When your annual celebration of expulsion from the womb rolls around, it’s deemed a good time to reflect on ~wisdom~ gained.
Yet as your age inches upwards, years hurry around the sun increasingly fast and birthdays begin to carry much more pressure. The older you are, the more sorted your life is. Right?
By the time you’re 18, you’re a legal adult, but certainly still a teenager. It’s acceptable to eat pizza for breakfast.
By the time you’re 21, you’re a bit more of an adult, but still given the leniency of youth. It’s fine to get vommy drunk a few times a
But by the time you turn 22, life should be falling into place as you settle into work, wear a fit bit and play difficult board games at dinner parties.
As a child I thought that if you were in your twenties you may as well be 200. But then what seems like seconds pass and there you sit – old, decrepit and crumbling – absolutely NOT living up to the idea of the Adult you thought you would be after all this time.
There are many things a young me assumed I would’ve known, understood, achieved or done by the startling age of 22. So before I continue my disintegration with the dusts of time, here’s a list of things I embarrassingly admit to NOT know, understand or have achieved. Embrace my 22 year old disgrace.
#1 WHETHER THE RADIATOR WILL EXPLODE IF I PUT MY DAMP TOWEL ON IT
Will it? As an Australian I already have limited experience with radiators and don’t really understand how they work. I just put things on it and hope for the best.
#2 HOW TO TAKE A GOOD PASSPORT / LICENCE / ID PHOTO
They always look like mug shots when my only crime was forgetting to fill eyebrows in.
#3 THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LLAMA AND AN ALPACA
One is cute. One spits. Both look the same.
#4 HOW TAXES WORK
Self-explanatory. Why weren’t we taught this in school ffs.
#5 ALL THE WORDS TO ‘WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE’ BY BILLY JOEL
Should’ve nailed the verses by now.
#6 HOW TO HAVE A PHONE CONVERSATION WITHOUT PACING
I NEED my legs to be moving to make the phone-talky part of my brain function. Is this common?
#7 WHAT THE DOW JONES IS
Who is Dow Jones? Why is he always talked about in the finance section presented by that bearded guy on the 6pm news? Actually, that whole section of the news is baffling. Finance, stocks, super – I thought I would have bothered to understand some of this stuff by now.
#8 HOW TO WAKE UP WITHOUT PRESSING SNOOZE FIFTY TIMES
Some people just wake up to their alarm and… get up?? Out of bed??? Immediately?
Or any other language. But I really thought Esperanto was the one.
#10 HOW TO WIN AN ONLINE FIGHT
For once I would like to NOT get owned in the Youtube comments.
#11 TO HAVE CUT OFF ALL MY OWN HAIR AND STARTED FROM SCRATCH
Just to see what it would look like.
#12 HOW KANYE WEST’S MIND WORKS
I’d hoped we would all understand by now.
#13 BETTING / GAMBLING
Once I won 30 euros at Monte-Carlo in a pokie machine fluke. It covered the cost of one cocktail. This is the limit of my betting / gambling experience.
#14 HOW TO HANDSHAKE WITHOUT FEELING LIKE A SCHMUCK
It’s hard to feel confident after a sloppy handshake.
#15 THE RULES OF CRICKET
The ultimate mystery.
#16 HOW TO STOP THAT WEIRD SMELL COMING FROM THE SHOWER
Is it the shower? The sink? The fridge? But I took out all the shower plug hole hair LAST month.
#17 WHAT TO DO IF MY SHOELACES GET STUCK AT THE TOP OF AN ESCALATOR
If this life-threatening scenario arises, which it surely will, I’m a dead woman.
#18 HOW TO UNICYCLE
An obvious skill I assumed to have mastered by 22.
#19 HOW PEOPLE HAVE MONEY
Theoretically I understand. People get paid, and then they save some of that pay. WHY DOESN’T IT WORK FOR ME.
#20 HOW TO COOK A MEAL VOID OF CARBOHYDRATES
Knowing how to cook is apparently sexy, guess I haven’t reached my peak yet. Watch out world.
#21 THE PROPER TECHNIQUE FOR FINISHING SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER AT THE SAME TIME
It just never happens.
#22 WHAT I’M DOING WITH MY LIFE
Yeah, guess we all thought we would’ve had that sorted & appropriately filed by now.
But you know what? WHO CARES. I’M ONLY 22. YOU’RE ONLY *INSERT OWN AGE*. Age is NO indicator of WHO you are. It’s a number to keep track of your progress circulating the sun, but it’s not a land-mined deadline of when you are ‘supposed’ to have achieved specific milestones or understood certain things to qualify you as a true-blue member of adulthood.
Despite what we are told by society, the media and others who seem to have it ~together~, there are no rules. I intend to continue living to the best of my ability, even if I never figure out how to unicycle, speak Esperanto or understand the Dow Jones.
But then again, I’m only 22. Maybe best to not listen to what I have to say.
Here’s to another year of figuring things out, one mistaken step at a time.